Fun with Spam



Your current situation has been presented to the important boards, and upon vigilant contemplation, we are able to put forward to you the consequent prospect.

The Important Boards? Really? All my life I've aspired to one day wield enough political influence to attain a seat on the Important Boards! And, while this is obviously not an offer of a place in that illustrious institution, it's flattering to know that my current situation is worthy of presentation to (and vigilant contemplation by!) them.

Based upon vigilant contemplation you are eligible to acquire a attractive rield on your initial property investment.

Wow, a rield! An attractive rield, no less! I had to think about that property investment, though. I rent my apartment, so what could they be talking about? I think the biggest property investment I've made lately is in a butternut squash. I've been sitting on it for a few days, and I think it's appreciated in value since then. Nonetheless, I feel that the bubble may be about to burst on my butternut squash, so I've been considering cashing out (at dinner tonight, perhaps). Now I have to consider the prospect of an attractive rield on it if I hold out a bit longer.

By completing the consequent attached form in a timely manner we will be able to settle our appraisal, and we feel positive you will acquire not only a lowered rate of interest, but also a cash return that will perform all your holiday needs and more!

It would be nice to get a better interest rate from my butternut squash investment. And, after all, why shouldn't I be able to perform all my holiday needs on the basis of my prudent and timely squash investments? I'm worried about the appraisal, though. I got it for about $3, but that's a New York price. What if the appraisal finds it's really worth less than that? I might end up getting a better interest rate on a less valuable principal. Hmmmm...

Please go here to settle this portion of the contract.

Wishing you all the best over the holiday period,

Carmela Mcgill

Should you prefer not to grab hold of this holiday prospect you can go here.

I think I'm going to ahve to fail to grab hold of this holiday prospect. Much as I'd love the higher interest rate, I think I'd be happier eating butternut squash tonight. Thanks, though, Carmela!


I think you failed to address one important (board) thing here. These people are absolutely positive that your cash return will "perform all your holiday needs and more".

Will it drive you around to pick out gifts?
Will it wrap them for you?
Will it bake?
Will it fly to San Diego?
Will it remember the names of distant relatives at family holiday parties?
Will it figure out how to get the Christmas tree into the Christmas tree stand?
Will it make black coffee for Uncle Fred when he's been hitting the Christmas punch too hard?

If it cannot do all of these things (and I've yet to see any amount of cash operate a coffeemaker), I believe it will fall short of Carmela's enthusiastic promises.

Cash might not take care of my holiday annoyances for me, but cashing out my squash gave me two kinds of foody fun! The first kind was pureed butternut squash, and the second kind was roasted curried squash seeds.

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This page contains a single entry by Zach published on November 18, 2005 2:12 PM.

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